Domestic Violence

By Sana'a Amir


As she lay on the floor bleeding from her ear, he stood staring at her and said “You made me do this, it’s not my fault. You deserved this.” His words did not make much sense to her. Her world was going black. She tried to remember why it had happened. But could not. Her face felt hot and numb. She could feel the taste of blood in her mouth. She tried to move but her body did not support her. She fell with a thump on the floor and lost consciousness.

When she woke up, he was trying to make her drink something. She couldn’t see him properly. Everything was blurred. She tried to push herself away from him but he made her open her mouth.

 I am fasting. I don’t want to drink. She wanted to say, but no words came out.

 He was saying something. She tried to listen.

 “I’m so sorry. This won’t happen again.

I lost control. Please don’t tell anyone. I’ll make it up to you. Please”

Then she felt him getting close. No. No. No.

 She wanted to scream. Stay away from me. You are lying. You have said this so many times before.

But nothing came out except a muffled sob. She tried to move away but he was too powerful for her. So, she just let go and closed her eyes. Everything is going to be okay. It’s a dream. Just a dream, nothing more.....

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Have you ever come across someone who often gets into accidents? Sometimes small, sometimes big? Sometimes it’s a slip in the kitchen or sometimes a fall from the stairs? Bruises on the arm or a swelled up face? Have you ever seen a once-confident friend, neighbour or a colleague losing her charm and wit? Someone whose whole persona has changed to that of a timid person, as if she is afraid of something or someone? Someone who once walked with her head held high and now has no sense of self-worth? If yes, then you need to open your eyes and realize that most likely she is being abused. The cuts and bruises are not accidental, and no matter what she tells you, someone is doing this to her. That scared and embarrassed look on her face, the inability to talk confidently, the self-isolation is because someone is scaring her, controlling her, psychologically abusing her and draining the life and energy out of her by constantly torturing her emotionally or physically.

Welcome to the world of Domestic Violence.

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1.       Important Statistics

Domestic violence occurs in all cultures and societies, regardless of age, social class, race, or life style, though reporting of such crimes and control measures of such incidents varies widely from country to country. Before we go further in depth in this issue, let us take a look at some hard facts related to domestic violence. As the statistics are international, so in this article, the word “Partner” is used for husband or boyfriend and an abusive partner is termed as an “abuser” or “perpetrator”. Also, as studies show that women are more likely to get abused as compared to men, so throughout this article, the “victim” is considered female. However, men can also be subjected to violence by their female partners in a relationship.

·         Domestic violence accounts for 16 – 25 % of all “recorded” violent crimes in UK (London: home office, 2004).

·         Domestic violence is the cause for a high percentage of female homicides internationally: 40 to 70 % women get murdered by their partners/former partners (Krug et al. 2002).

·         Domestic Violence is the most prevalent cause of depression and other health issues in women (Astbury 1999, O’Keane 2000, Humphreys 2003).

·         30% of domestic violence starts in pregnancy (Lewis and Drife 2001, 2005; McWilliams and McKiernan 1993). It has been identified as a prime cause of miscarriage or still-birth (Mezey 1997) and of maternal deaths during childbirth (Lewis and Drife 2001, 2005).

·         Women are at a greater risk of homicide at the point of separation or after leaving a violent partner (Lees 2000). 76% of separated women suffer post-separation violence including verbal and emotional abuse, threatening, sexual and physical violence at the hands of their former partners (Humphreys and Thiara 2002).

·         The New York based Human Rights Watch found that up to 90% of women in Pakistan were subject to some form of maltreatment, within their own homes  (IRIN, UN, March 11, 2008).

Keeping in mind the above mentioned statistics, let us now define the term domestic violence or intimate partner violence.

“Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behaviour that includes physical, verbal, sexual, emotional or psychological and even financial abuse.”

According to  Dr. Jill Ricke (member of Board of Directors for the Florida Psychological Association), abusiveness only has to occur ONCE in order to be categorized as domestic violence.

2.       Signs of Domestic Violence:

 Although every case is unique, still there are many common factors that victims of domestic abuse identify with. These include:

·         Verbal abuse: shouting, taunting, accusing, name calling, direct threatening.

·         Psychological abuse: Withholding basic needs of victim, silent treatment, staring, indirect threatening, degrading remarks about victim’s personality.

·         Emotional abuse: Isolating the victim from family and friends, lying about his whereabouts or activities outside home, lowering the victim’s self-esteem, acting excessively jealous and possessive in an unhealthy way.

·         Financial abuse: Controlling the finances, making the victim pay for everything, not letting her buy anything that she wants for herself or needs for the house, spending her money on himself or his friends or family.

·         Sexual abuse: Hurting the victim during sex or using force, threats or intimidation when she is unwilling to perform certain sexual acts.

·         Physical abuse: Punching, slapping, hitting, kicking, pulling out hair, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling, suffocating etc. Such an abuse may hurt a victim permanently and can also cause serious harm to her mental condition making her disoriented.

DENIAL: The worst form of stress that an abuser can give to a victim is to deny that he did anything to her. An abuser can even make it sound like that the victim “imagined” the incident or he would simple try to reduce the severity of the harm that he inflicted on her. This would make the already tormented victim question her own sanity or even make her feel responsible for the abuse.

3.       The Cycle of Violence/Abuse:

The “cycle of abuse” is a social cycle theory (Lenore Walker, The Battered Woman, New York: Harper and Row, 1979) developed to explain patterns of behavior in an abusive relationship. Women who are subjected to abuse are all too familiar with the cycle of violence. Of course, this cycle may not be present in all cases, but it is very common. It usually happens in the following order, and repeats itself unless or until some steps are taken to put a stop to it.

·         Tension building/setup phase: This phase occurs before an abusive episode. During this phase, the abuser may appear stressed about something, silent and moody, and maybe avoiding the victim.

·         Acting out/abusive phase: The abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show the victim "who is the boss."

·         Reconciliation/Honeymoon phase: An episode of violence usually ends up in either the abuser’s flat denial of hurting the victim or the abuser asking for forgiveness and saying that it will never happen again. He may avoid taking responsibility by accusing the victim of making him lose control and denying that the abuse is his fault. If he feels some guilt at all, he will try to rationalize his behaviour by shifting the blame to the victim. After all, he has to “justify” himself.

·         Normal Phase: The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may turn on the charm and act loving towards the victim. The victim thinks that maybe this time the abuser has finally changed. She sees hope in the relationship and feels on top of the world. But her peace is short-lived. The abuser will start fantasizing about abusing her again.

Hence, the cycle continues.

4.       Myths Associated with Domestic Violence

·         Abuse is a one-time incident.

Abuse has to occur only once to be termed as domestic violence.

·         Abuse only happens to poor and uneducated women. Perpetrators are also uneducated and illiterate men.

Violence happens in all cultures and in all kinds od couples, whether rich or poor, educated or uneducated.

·         Alcohol, stress, and childhood issues in perpetrators cause domestic violence.

Although alcohol, drugs, stress and childhood issues may enhance violence but they are never the basic cause behind abuse. Violence is a deliberate choice which the abuser makes consciously. (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1-5)

·         The victim “causes” the abuse. She is responsible and must have done “something” to deserve this.

The “something” is mostly a false accusation hence “justifies” the abuse. Of course, people who believe such stories from the abuser, do not try to find out how can a woman, who is being controlled to such an extent that she can’t even speak anything that her partner dislikes, can refuse to do anything that her partner wants, let alone do anything serious? And even if she did make a mistake, that still doesn’t justify the abuse at all !

·         Domestic violence is a personal problem between husband and wife.

Domestic violence is NOT a private matter. It affects the society in general. Just because the victim and abuser are related does not make the offence less serious.

·         If it was that bad, victim would leave. If she doesn’t leave or goes back to her abusive partner again and again, that means either the violence is her fault or she likes being hit.

Before questioning the victim about why doesn’t she just leave, one should not ignore the economic and social realities. Shelters are often full, and family, friends, and the workplace are frequently less than fully supportive. Faced with financial and social problems, a victim may feel that she cannot support herself and her children. Moreover, in some instances, the woman may be increasing the chance of physical harm or even death if she leaves an abusive spouse. (Preventing Violence Against Women, Not Just a Women's Issue," National Crime Prevention Council, 1995)

·         If the abuse stops after a while (mostly years), this means that the abuser has changed.

If the abuser stops being violent, that is mostly because the victim has become too passive in the relationship. This is not a victory for the victim if she is giving up all her rights as a person, extinguishing all her dreams and hopes in exchange for not being abused ! She stands up when he asks her to, she sits down when he tells her to. This is not a “healthy” relationship !

5.       The Psychology of an Abuser

Some important points first:

·         An abusive person needs to feel in control, therefore, he does everything to ensure he is in charge of whatever happens in the relationship. Some important point to be remembered here are:

·         Abusers carefully choose their victims and do not abuse everyone in their lives. Usually, they abuse only those people who are closest to them and whom they claim to love. They also choose when and where to abuse. This is necessary because they do not want other people to know their reality.

·         Abusers can be very charming and are able to stop their abusive behaviour when it benefits them. They are never out of control; rather, abuse occurs because they are “in control”.

As to the question that who is responsible for the abuse, an abusive person alone should be held accountable because it is his own choice and decision to abuse instead of behaving in a non-violent way and foster a relationship built on love, trust, honesty, and respect. If you think you can spot an abuser, think again. When it comes to domestic violence, you may never know who is capable of doing it. One of the main reasons is that such people have a very different public image and they are mostly well liked by the society. This is what that makes it difficult for an average person to believe that his neighbour or friend or colleague who seems so sweet and is very helpful and charming is being violent in his personal relationship. Experts in the field of domestic violence call this the Jekyll/Hyde personality.

A typical abuser may be suffering from one or more psychological disorders. That does not mean that abusers are medically crazy or serial killers. They are legally sane people and appear to be perfectly normal but are suffering from some psychological disorders

6.       Why doesn’t a victim leave?

It is not an easy decision to leave a relationship, especially if the victim has children with the abuser. Most of the time, she is so much psychologically controlled and dependent on the abuser that the very thought of leaving her violent partner scares her. It should be kept in mind that victims of domestic violence have been brainwashed by the abusers that they can’t survive without them.

Then there is another phenomenon known as “Stockholm Syndrome”. In psychology, Stockholm Syndrome is a term used to express a paradoxical phenomena in which hostages express empathy and have positive feelings towards their captors and are even defensive of them. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors as an act of kindness ("Understanding Stockholm Syndrome", de Fabrique, Nathalie; Romano, Stephen J.; Vecchi, Gregory M.; van Hasselt, Vincent B., FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin, July 2007).

Most victims of abuse suffer from this syndrome and develop extreme traumatic bonding with their abuser. Due to being consistently humiliated and brain washed by the abuser, they feel worthless and think that they do not deserve anything better and the abuser is doing them a huge favor by tolerating them and even little acts of kindness from the abuser makes them have positive feelings towards them.

Thus the common reasons why a woman may not be ready to leave an abusive relationship maybe summarized as follows:

·         She may have positive feelings for her partner (Stockholm syndrome) thus making her blind to the way he is treating her.

·         Even if she does realize that she is being abused, still she hopes that he will change. Most women do not want to end the relationship; they just want the violence to stop. It is another thing that most abusers never change and because of the cyclic nature of the abuse explained before, women tend to believe that change will happen someday.

·         She may feel that abuse is her fault and is ashamed to talk about it.

·         She may be scared of the future, where she will go, how she will support herself and her children, if the abuser will try to harm her and her children, etc.

·         She maybe too exhausted to make any decisions. Leaving an abusive relationship takes a lot of energy out of a victim and the years of abuse that she has suffered have made her lacking in energy and strength.

·         She may have low self-esteem because of the continuous emotional and verbal abuse. She believes she is no good, ugly, an insect and no one will care for her again.

·         She may believe that it is better to stay for the sake of the children.

·         She may want to avoid the stigma of divorce that can be quite a serious issue in some cultures.

The truth is that all these fears are real, that is why so many women remain trapped in abusive relationships. It is hard for them to reach out for help and those who do have a lot of courage. If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up. Talk to that person in private and express your concerns. Just giving a supportive shoulder can sometimes do wonders for someone who is going through a tough time.

7.       Survival Strategies

Two very important steps that a victim can take are:

Ask for help. Over the past twenty years, many domestic violence hotlines, groups and organizations have been established that are ready to help. Even internet is a source of help and an abused woman can educate herself by the various help forums working online. There are so many women who have gone through similar experiences and talking to other victims can help a lot.

Gather support. An abused woman should have a support system around her at all times, in form of family and friends. And confiding in the abuser’s friends or family should be avoided. They will always support him. They may show sympathy at first but at the end of the day, they are his family and friends, and are probably being blinded and manipulated by the abuser. The main problem in trusting an abuser’s friends or family is that for them the abuser is more important and they believe him when he claims to have changed. Trust your own family and friends first because they have your best interests at heart, not the abuser’s.

Once the victim or her supporting family or friends identify that she is being abused, there are two options that she has:

1.       Exit the relationship and hence the abuse

2.       Stay and try to change the abuser

7.1. The exit strategy

Experience and research shows that although the exit strategy is more difficult but it is a better option for the victim in the long run. It takes a lot of effort and courage to leave such an unhealthy relationship and hats off to the women who have taken control of their lives and have shown the abusers that they not only can they survive but lead better lives without them.

For leaving an abusive relationship safely, a victim must form a safe escape route or plan. Such a plan may consist of the following simple steps:

·         Learn important phone numbers by heart. These can be emergency numbers, police, hospital, family or a trusted friend.

·         Avoid arguments with the abuser and be as calm as possible.

·         Pack a survival kit with a first aid box, money, jewellery, clothes, spare house or car keys, important documents like birth certificates, marriage certificate, passports, bank account details, a new sim card/mobile number, etc.

·         Choose a place to go, for example the home of a trusted family member or friend. Again, avoid going to your abuser’s allies.

·         Only after a victim has successfully left an abuser, should she inform him or his family that she has left. This is best for her safety because an abusive person would rather kill than to let his partner leave him.

·         If a victim is in immediate danger, and there is no one around to protect her, she should call the police. If she is being stalked by the abuser, she should get a restraining order. In countries where there are no laws to combat domestic violence, it can be extremely difficult for a woman to get out from abuse. In such cases, it is the responsibility of family and friends to be supportive.

It can be very difficult and very frightening to make this kind of a sudden shift in behaviour especially when a victim is exhausted, beaten down, and in terror. Another great danger in leaving an abuser is that a violent, abusive person almost always uses more violence to re-establish his control. So there is a need to make a high wall of protection around the victim and her children.

Experts recommend using maximum power against the abuser, all at once. A victim should tell the police everything, get a restraining order, get him out of her life for some time, and if he so much as calls to apologize, warn him that she would call the police. The advantage of using maximum force is that the abuser gets so much involved into staying out of trouble by the police that he does not get the time to retaliate or take revenge and he is sent a clear message that his abuse will not be tolerated anymore. Further the victim gets some relief and time in peace to think about her options.

At the same time, abused woman should keep her own life moving, focusing on herself and her children, getting an education or a job and finally, heal herself emotionally.

7.2.      Creating a context for change

Lundy Bancroft, in his book “Why does he do that?”, states that an abuser doesn’t change because he feels guilty or finds God. He doesn’t change after seeing the fear in his partner’s or his children’s eyes. It never occurs to him that his partner deserves better treatment. An abuser changes only when he wants to. So the most important element in creating a context for change in an abuser is placing him in a situation where he has no other choice. Otherwise, it is highly unlikely that he will ever change himself.

Creating a background for an abuser to change involves:

·         Establishing consequences for him in case of continued abusiveness. Thus, using maximum pressure by involving police and family or friends works very well in controlling his behaviour. Separating from him for some time is perhaps an even better option than legal intervention, but again, separation should be done “safely”. The separation should be long enough for him to feel discomfort and to motivate him to change. On the other hand, if the separation is too short, it will further make him feel powerful when he sees that the victim can’t stand to be on her own.

·         Making him clear about his responsibilities and the expectations that the victim has from him, specifically, what kind of attitude is tolerable to her and what is not.

·         Focusing on one’s own healing and strength, so that the abuser realizes that the victim is no longer a victim and if he doesn’t change, she is ready to move on and take care of herself.

If and when a woman gets back with her partner, she should be very stern with the boundaries that she has laid in the relationship and if the abuser breaks anyone of them, it is essential that she take another period of separation, this time longer than the first one. As always, she should focus on making herself stronger, get exercise, dress well, eat well, pursue new friendships, socialize with people or engage in whatever activity she likes the most. The only time an abusive person will deal with his issues is when he realizes that he can no longer abuse or control his partner, and she can survive without him.

8.       Can abusers change?

Keep in mind that most experts favour the exit strategy rather than creating a context for change. Reasons are varied. Most people say that nature of a person never changes. Many of them have spent years in domestic violence treatment centres only to find their hard work going down the drain. Further, the author personally does not think that an abuser will ever see himself in a negative light, especially if they are suffering from a psychological disorder like sociopathy or narcissism. They believe in a different reality. In their world, abuse is justified. So the question of him agreeing to councelling or treatment is not relevant. Infact most therapists have concluded that instead of controlling their abuse and changing themselves, abusers just become better actors into hiding their true personalities and manipulating everyone around them. So, if a victim puts herself and her children first then the wisest advice is to cut your losses, get out and never look back.

9.       Conclusion

It has been observed that once a woman is out of an abusive relationship and gets back on her feet, and if she has a good support system, she is less likely to tolerate mistreatment again. It is not easy for her to leave a relationship or a marriage but if she gathers enough strength to survive the first few months, rest becomes easier. Of course, a woman who does not have financial problems or children is far more strong and in a better position to take care of themselves than the woman who is financially dependent on someone or has children with an abusive partner.  But once, if she succeeds in doing so, she may very well decide to live without him. Sometimes, the pain inflicted on her runs so deep that even if her partner shows signs of change, she can’t forgive him and this should not be forgotten, that once an abuser, remains an abuser. The form of abuse may change or lessen with time but the abuse itself will never go away.

Therefore, everyone has a role to play in changing the world’s indifference to domestic violence. If we will not speak against the taboo issues, they will remain taboo and violence will never end. The more openly critical we are about this, the harder it will become for an abuser to get away with his behaviour.

For the society:  The Women’s Justice Centre in Santa Rosa, California states some very good steps that, if adopted, can combat domestic violence very efficiently.

1.       Expand education and awareness efforts to increase positive attitudes toward nonviolence and encourage individuals to report family violence.

2.       Form or task forces to assess the problem, develop an action plan, and monitor progress.

3.       Mandate training in domestic violence for all social services and criminal justice professionals.

4.       Advocate laws and judicial procedures at the state and local levels that support and protect battered women.

5.       Establish centers where visits between batterers and their children may be supervised, for the children's safety.

6.       Fund shelters adequately.

7.       Recruit and train volunteers to staff hotlines, accompany victims to court, and provide administrative support to shelters and victim services.

8.       Improve collection of child support.

9.       Establish medical protocols to help physicians and other health care personnel identify and help victims of domestic abuse.

10.   Provide legal representation for victims of domestic violence.

11.   Advocate for the accessibility of services for all population groups, especially underserved populations which include immigrants and refugees, racial and ethnic minorities and the disabled.

For the friends and family of the abuser: Yes, it is hard to believe that your friend, or son, or brother is capable of torturing his partner, but if you don’t tell him to stop, if you don’t interfere, if you don’t support the woman who is suffering, you are participating in the abuse. Imagine, it is your sister or daughter who is suffering, will you keep quiet? And don’t believe blindly what the abuser tells you. If he can abuse another human being shamelessly, he can also lie shamelessly. Listen to her side of the story. Conflicts happen in every relationship, they just don’t have to get violent. Nothing will work faster to end the abuse than having an abuser’s family or friends discourage him.

For the friends and family of victim:  If you want to make a significant change in the life of an abused woman, give unconditional support to her. Whether she chooses to separate or go back to the abuser, be there for her, always. Listen more and talk less. Advise her what you think is best for her. Help her in whatever way you can. Treat her consistently well and encourage her to talk to specialists of domestic violence programs. Remember, that to help her achieve an abuse free life will take time. Be patient with her as she may need time to make her decision. And always keep an eye on her and what she is doing.

For the abused:  Learn about your rights. You are not a bad wife if you decide to leave an abusive husband. Putting up with abuse and tolerating an abusive person has nothing to do with love and sincerity. Neither is it cowardice. It’s just that women face so many constraints that it’s hard, very hard to get out. And if you took an initiative and fought for your rights as well as your children’s, then you are an exceptionally brave person. Infact, you are setting a good example for others to follow and are spreading awareness. Don’t let anyone involve religion or culture to justify abuse. Nowhere in Quran or Bible is a man encouraged to harm his wife. A healthy relationship should be built on trust, love and care; abuse and control are never part of it.

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Victims are often abused to such an extent that they lose themselves; their hopes and dreams get crushed somewhere along the way. No one deserves that. So, always remember that getting out of an abusive relationship is possible, it just needs courage and patience. So, dare to dream again. Dream of a life where no one can ever harm you again.

Have faith. Believe in yourself.

Stay safe !